Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
