I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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