I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
