just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
