mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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