I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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