Even the bartender felt bad for me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
