Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
