What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
