I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My vagina is officially offended.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
