Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
