how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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