You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
