Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He shit in the fireplace
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
