I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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