I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
