I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
