can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
