so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
