Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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