I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
