stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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