i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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