my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
