Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
