Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
