I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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