Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude i'm inner monologue high
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I got inside last night via doggy door
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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