I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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