im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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