I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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