Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
