I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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