You can't motorboat a personality
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
