remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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