A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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