i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
