It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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