Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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