Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
