I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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