I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
