So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
