After last night, I could never be a politician.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
