I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
