Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
