Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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