you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
