You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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