wat bout pragnant strippers??
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
