You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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