If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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