No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
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if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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