i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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