If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
