Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
