Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
pray to the hookup gods
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
