I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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